Vampires vs Zombie Vampires
Only if you like reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally bad movies
The Dead Undead review
by Casey Rostorfer
Note from Co-founders: Casey originally reviewed this film for the defunct ZT online magazine that we used to write for. I thought this was one of the best film reviews Casey ever wrote, so I had to re-publish it. Enjoy!
I’ve declared myself a lover of bad cinema before, and it’s a badge I wear out loud and proud. I’ve seen them all, from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, to Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowlerama, I even sat through a midnight screening of Twilight. This said, you may now understand that for me to declare a movie, quite possibly, the WORST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN, well, that’s quite a feat. Ladies and gents, I am about to do just that. I present for you today the straight to dvd, $1 Redbox special edition, The Dead Undead (2010).
Bad movies often begin with a cast list of unknown actors. This is par for the course, and this movie is no different. You won’t recognize a single face or name.
A group of five young adults pulls up in front of a run-down lakeside motel to spend a weekend. At least, I assume that’s what they are doing, they never really break that part down. The motel is deserted. (Cue ominous music). This, of course, doesn’t stop the young female co-eds from stripping down into bikini’s and heading to the water to cool down. If you have a penis, this is the probably the best part of the movie. I don’t have a penis, so for me, this just continues down the path to shit-creek.
The girls go swimming in the lake, which is really just a stagnant water hole that the production team tried to disguise as a lake. Putting poorly paid actors in a filthy, amoeba filled run-off pond, to me, was likely the scariest part of this whole film. I hope those young starlets had their shots before filming.
Upon returning from their “lake” jaunt, the group finds the motel still empty, and decides that the best course of action is to just grab the room keys from behind the counter, and take their own rooms. This, of course, is where things start to go wrong.
While one young lady showers, her roommate naps, only to be awakened by a creepy kid standing over her, with a mouth dripping blood, which gets all over her face and body. The girl’s companion emerges from the shower hearing screams and find the bloody kid attacking her friend. She is able to pry the child off, throwing him into the stream of sunlight from the window, where the child proceeds to hiss and smoke.
Wait! I thought this movie was about zombies. At this point, I began to scratch my head and scrunched my face into a WTF look. I didn’t lose that look for the next hour and a half of so.
Things begin to move quickly in a jumble of mismatched scenes and jumbled dialogue. Two zombie like creatures appear and rip each other to shreds for no reason. All of a sudden it’s dark outside as the group decides to fight for their lives and nearly over-run by… well… by whatever the hell the people making this movie have decided these creature are.
From out of nowhere comes a van full of gun-wielding mercenaries. My husband dubbed them, “The B-Team”. They come out, they kick ass, they talk non-sense and the plot and dialogue jump around. Several times the Hubs and I looked at each other and asked if we missed something, because we had no idea what they were talking about. We rewound the movie. We didn’t miss anything.
We do, however, get clued into one vital piece of information, thanks to “The B-Team”. What we are dealing with isn’t zombies. It isn’t vampires. It’s… wait for it… zombie vampires, or ZV’s for short.
Imagine me giving myself the facepalm, right here. It happened. I think I may have even screamed, “Oh come on!”.
Apparently zombie vampires don’t die with a head shot. The only way to kill a zombie vampire is to use lots, and lots, and lots of ammo, and shoot them repeatedly all over the body.
Yes, this movie is as bad as it sounds. At a certain point the scene completely changes for no reason and we are suddenly watching an ancient viking battle. It happens later again, and we’re in Vietnam. Several members of “The B-Team” are bitten or scratched and turn. But wait! We find out later that “The B-Team” are already zombie vampires, they just aren’t evil like these other ones and want to live in peace, without prejudice.
I’m giving myself another facepalm, just thinking about it.
The Dead Undead
Directed by Matthew R. Anderson & Edward Conna
Written by Edward Conna
Cast: Luke Goss, Matthew R. Anderson, Spice Williams-Crosby, Luke LaFontaine, Edward Conna
Run Time: 90 minutes
DVD Release Date: May 22, 2012